Rapid Hope Loss

[DCOTN]

.

The Vampire Lestat frightens me, as I find that most of their theories and thoughts match my own..

Time for some soul searching, I'm off to work on my Depression project.

[DCOTN]

Dead fish.

[DCOTN]

I'm not happy with this site, because there doesn't seem to be enough answers for the millions of questions popping up. Why can't we ask a question, and debate the possible answers instead of ignoring it and posing another question? It's all pilling up, and it makes it harder to think about that one thought.
----
Anyways... Yeah. I had this small mental breakdown freakshow yesterday.. I'm still trying to figure it out. See, my fish died. I was lying on the couch, and I noticed it just half burried under rocks.. He was just kinda stuck there, not moving. I've been sick, I've been terribly emotional recently, and before I even looked hard at him, I knew he was gone. So i crawl into the kitchen and curl up beside the stove and weep.

I sound like such a child. Alot of people thought I cried over the fish.. I was, in a way, but there was also a deeper meaning in it.

I think it's the thought of death that set me off. I know, it sounds dumb, coming from big old 'oh look at me, I'm jaded and cynical and i'm not scared of anything' me. That's not totally fitting, but you know what I mean. I usually don't break down over dead fish..

It was more the point that, it seemed 20 minutes before I saw him, I had been watching him skitter around above the rocks. While this may not have been normal fish activity, yeah maybe it was a sign, it wouldn't have mattered cause I suck with taking care of fish. Shut up, this is not the topic. I'm talking about, like, 20 minutes ago this fish was alive. Then, suddenly, bang. No longer.

..Do you understand?

It was the shock that, people die. We all expire. And it's just that which scared me. Expiring. Like milk. I'm not saying it was fate, and God chose to strike down and take this certain fish's life, because I'm not sure if I believe in that much. It's just.. the natural course of life. But that's scary.

And I suppose I'm looking at it in a 'my glass is half empty', that the moment we are born we are already dying. Our eternal clock is ticking-- This is your life, and it's ending, one minute at a time. Better make it goo,d wouldn't want to be a failure. You need to be something, someone. Go down in history.

History? But what is history, to be remembered by faceless students in a warm high school classroom, none of them who really want to know about you, none of them who care or give a flying shit about you? That sure sounds like a great way to spend the rest of eternity.

I tried to explain this to Dan, which was a big mistake. He just made me more paranoid, telling me not to think about it. But how CAN'T you think about it? That one day, we will stop breathing, and just.. end. And it's not a question of, 'Do I really want to end?' because you have no control over that. It's not a choice between chocolate or vanilla, or beer or wine. it's like a law.

"Okay kid, you're gonna be born now. You're gonna grow up, and experience all these feelings. You're gonna be happy, you're gonna be sad, you're gonna be numb. Maybe you won't feel anything. you're gonna try and make your family proud.. And then you're gonna die. Hell, maybe you won't even make it past childbirth. All we know is, you're gonna get it one day. Be hit by a truck, contract SARS or AIDS or develop cancer of the everything. Just make it a good one, kid."

That's what our life is, in a depressing little nutshell. Maybe i'm being harsh. That's how I saw it, up against the stove. And everything around me, I could only see it dead-- like that damn fish. In that moment, I never wanted to have another relationship with a living creature ever again. I wanted to be alone, live alone, die alone. So I could focus on these questions, and slowly drive myself crazy over the years, asking them over and over, never getting an answer.

...Because you'll never get an answer, no one can or ever will. Where do we go when we die? God, how many times have I asked myself that?! I don't believe in God, so there must not be a Heaven or Hell, right? So in my mind, we just stop. We cease to exist, kaput. Left to fade, to rot in the fucking ground, in a pretty coffin.. maybe not! Why should everyone live in wealth? Maybe i'll end up in a box, or in the naked earth itself. Who cares by then, you're fucknig dead!

This is what I have to put up with, everyday I wake up, and I cant help but wonder. And i cant 'stop worrying' like Dan told me. Because as I told him, what is there left to do in life if you dont question it? Live blindly? Follow the beliefs of others, to live, to graduate, to get drunk and hungover and find a good day job and go clubbing at night and go to church every sundays and christmas? And to grow old and stay obvlious of these questions, and die surrounded by an artificial family, with the ideal mother and father and younger sister and older brother, who almost didnt make the funeral becuase he had a business meeting to discuss the Kyoto Accord, but luckily made it in time to read the eulogy? Is that what we want to be?

Fuck it, how knows. Maybe i'll get hit by that fucking truck.

[&& We Will Become Silhouettes]

wow....

I don't really know what to say.

I could give you some really thought provoking quotes or sentences with fancy words that make it sound smart.

but all I can say is we die. We leave or we don't. the living will never know because you have to die to know and there's no going back. it is like one of the top five big mysterious questions.

If I want to go down in history I'll try my hardest to get there. but really I just want to do something. I guess it just gets down to 'what do you want to do before you die?'

you'll go crazy. but you'll be smart. Hermits go crazy anyway...

bah.. I know I'm no help

[DCOTN]

Blah, I can't believe you read all that O.o

I guess, I'm not really looking for an answer. I'm just.. Finally finding the words to describe how I feel about it.

I guess the shock is also pretty big, because I'm so young and have done abosolutely nothing 'important' with my life yet, you know? Maybe when I'm older, hopefully i'll get there, and I'll look at all this in a different way. I can only hope.

<33

[&& We Will Become Silhouettes]

eh I wanted to read something insightful...

yeah it's really good when you can finally put into words how you feel about something...

but yeah when you're older (that sounds like such an adult to say, 'it'll all make sense when you're older sweetie') you may look at it differently and you might not "worry" so much...

and I think it's such a shock to younger people because they can't really do anything when they're young. I mean yeah they have a voice, and yeah they can do stuff, but it's like only in numbers or if you look a certain way.

but if it's a shock to you now, just imagine a person who knows they are going to die soon, and they haven't experienced anything..

if you don't know then you don't really have time to regret but if you know..

knowing sucks sometimes....

[Pay No Mind]

Death doesn't really scare me...It used to scare me horribly....but I came ot terms with it...Can't prevent it...so whatever....You just live to die..Thats the only thing you can rely on...